Darkness

Another piece of my writing from a few years back, I think much like today I was still contemplating human nature or why we let our negative thoughts and emotions control us.

Darkness (August 19, 2001)

It dwells within us and outside of us

Descending quickly it covers us

Blinding and trapping us, it smiles

No one is hidden or protected from its knife like sight

It’s sight pierces into our core and overwhelms us

What can possibly overcome this darkness,

which is felt but never seen,

which moves but is never heard?

Where it comes from, we know not

But what it is, is known

It is our very self

It is that part of us we hide

It is our doubt

Our fear

Our hunger

It deludes us into believing we are its servant

But in reality we are its master

Do not fight it nor challenge it

Embrace it and harness it

Let it merge with you

Let it serve you

For we are the inner light

the darkness is the untouched part of us.

Spotlight

This is something I wrote a few years ago, just thought I'd share it. I have random writings littered all over. Any comments or suggestions?

Spotlight (December 14, 2004)

The curtain draws and the audience goes quiet

Their eyes squint and focus to try and catch a glimpse of the darken figures before them

I can sense the anticipation in their breathing and even in the dark, I can see their eyes

I take a deep breath before….

The light slowly begins to shine on me

At first it is slight and only reveals my outline, as I stand with my head facing the ground and my arms behind my back

Then ever so slowly the light brightens, the shape of my face and my skin color can be seen, my facial features still obscure

My eyes remain closed, remembering my lines and letting the character take over me, I feel myself losing perspective

The light brightens more and now my facial features are visible and I slowly open my eyes

I find myself receding to the background as the character moves forward

The light shines at full intensity and my entire body is visible, my eyes are open and I raise my head to look at the audience

Only I remain, yet I feel a pair of eyes watching me from the shadows behind me, it matters not because the show must go on

Bad Things and Good People

Lately quite a few people have told me about whats going on in their lives and have been questioning a lot about their lives specifically asking me why bad things happen to good people. I'm not going to delve into the question of what a "good person" is because I think I've dealt with that before. The people, who have asked me about this, are genuinely good people, nice, caring, honest, loyal and dependable. They are the kind of people who you could ask for anything and they would do it. So when bad things happen they naturally ask why me? I don't have a grand metaphysical explanation as to why: maybe God, assuming one exists, is testing people and thereby makes them stronger; or maybe its Karma our past actions revisiting us.

I think there might be a more realistic explanation, good people put themselves out there in an open and accepting manner. I am going to limit myself to the issue of person to person interaction not issues of why did good people get diseases or things of that nature, those questions are better left to the answers above about God or Karma or mere chance. Most good people fundamentally believe in the goodness of humanity and do what they can to help those around them even if its a detriment to their own self interest. I'm talking about the people who give others money that they selves can't afford to give but do so to help others. The people who despite going through their own problems will still be there to help their family, friends or anyone else without so much of a grimace or self pity. Good people put others before themselves and go out of their way to do the right thing, not so that others think they are good but because its the right thing to do. By doing so they leave themselves open to being used and taken advantage of. This clearly applies to class of people known as "nice guys". The old adage applies "if you give an inch they will take a mile". The problem, I think, is that most people are selfish and self serving, when they see an opportunity to get something that doesn't hurt them they will jump on it, even if that means someone else might get hurt.

Therein lies the rub, people who behave in selfless manner live in a world where that isn't necessarily virtue that is tauted. These good people are often pitied or seen a gullible but I think it is anything but that. In fact, I would say these people are more often than not they are the strongest and most courageous people in our lives. They put themselves out there knowing themselves to be vulnerable yet still do what they do. They don't feel the need to put up walls and trying to protect themselves because they rather help others and they know themselves to be strong enough to weather the storm and eventually walk out of it, even stronger. These nice guys and "gullible" people are the people who the rocks in our lives, when all is said and done, we all end up relying on people like them because they are dependable, strong and pure. Bad things happen to them because of we don't give them the same support and help that they gave us, many of us suddenly have our own problems to deal with and lives to live. Anything to add?

Anger

This past week has been a bit of a frustrating period for me for a variety of reasons and I've found myself feeling my old enemy growing in my gut. No, not a beer gut or the fatness that I rid myself of. I'm talking about anger. Growing up I had a terrible temper, I would lash out saying and doing things that were out of control. I would feel my temper rising and I would let it control me, acting out like an animal, yes humans are animals but you know what I mean. I've said things and done things that I am not proud of under the influence of anger but that was when I was younger around 19. It became apparent to me that I had to learn to control that rage and I decided that the way I would do that I would not act out. So I learned to suppress it and internalize it.

When life frustrated me, due to a lot of things, and the anger grew, I would grit my teeth and not act out but let it grow in me. That rage began to eat away at me and that became apparent in my first year of law school. I began to isolate myself and became more and more brooding, dark and irritable. I would lash out at friends and essentially became a hermit. All the rage would come out when I partook in some of the nectar of the Gods, usually made by Grey Goose. I was becoming someone I didn't like so I needed to change. Thats when I decided I would learn to understand myself and the root of anger.

As dorky as it sounds I turned to the Bhagavad Gita, I'm not a religious person but that text connects with me. The thing about Krishna, the singer of the Gita, is that he is a realist and practical, his advice to Arjuna is how to overcome his fears and false views and regain his resolve to take up his arms and fight a Dharmic war. He offers a keen insight into the nature of anger.
Krishna says in Chapter 2 Verse 62-63:

dhyayato visayan pumsah
sangas tesupajayate
sangat sanjayate kamah
kamat krodho 'bhijayate

krodhad bhavati sammohah
sammohat smrti-vibhramah
smrti-bhramsad buddhi-naso
buddhi-nasat pranasyati

Which means:

Fixating on the objects of the senses, a person develops attachment for them, and from such attachment lust develops, and from lust anger arises.
From anger, delusion is born, and from delusion loss of memory. When memory is lost, then discrimination is lost and when discrimination is lost, he is lost.

I started to think about this and it made perfect sense to me. Our anger doesn't arise in a vacuum it arises when we are attached and expect something. When one is betrayed they get angry because they never expected the betrayer to do so. When things don't go the way we want or expect we get angry. I also discovered that when you get angry due to another's actions you have essentially given that person power over you, the power to control your emotions and the power to get to you. In other words, you are not your own master but at the whim of other people's actions, you become a reactive person. It dawned on me that I want to be able to achieve that sort of control over my emotions and in the words of Borat become "King of the Castle". Words and actions once said and done can never be revoked and will always linger in the minds of those whom it was directed at. We may forgive but we never forget and even our forgiven is usually conditional.

I do also believe in a righteous anger, an anger that stems from an injustice or a wrong committed to you or others. It is an anger that can fuel someone into correcting a wrong and balancing the scales but in those cases too one must be very conscious of allowing that anger and rage to overwhelm you. I haven't quite conquered my anger but I think I'm getting there, I am able to try and reason through it now, trying to find the rationality behind the other people's decisions and how to put myself in their shoes and then try and understand them, by doing so I can cut out the root of the anger in these situations which is ignorance and not allow the beast to grow. Control your anger and you will be able to find your center and the king of your castle.