Sunday, February 20, 2005

Confusion

3 years ago, I was soo sure of the world, my views and my place in this world. I was incredibly confident that I knew how things operated and what was needed and how to fix the problems of the world. Now, its not so clear. I'm trying to find my place in this world and what it is that i really believe. Its probably the toughest thing I've ever had to do. Ya, i know it doesn't seem that way to many people but its a big deal to me, to figure out where I stand and where i'm heading. One thing i'm sure about is that i'll be in New York next year, just not sure what i'll be doing, which isn't that comforting.

I've been trying to come to terms with what I believe about God and all that. This is a tough one, especially given that I have no real experience of God. It really does work out to only being faith and belief which is sooo scary because it is entirely possible if not probable that God doesn't exist and is merely created by the human mind to avoid the abyss of loniliness. God gives comfort and order to our lives, it is really a daunting if not scary thought to think that God doesn't exist. It removes purpose and significance from our lives, it leaves us in oblivion of our own making with no helping hand or escape in sight. Thats what I'm trying to face, where do I find myself. I really want to believe, so strongly but I don't know how to do that and not do it blindly or with any foundation in my own experience.

The God issue is a deep and very profound issue in my life but another issue is that the more I get to know women and less and less i understand them. They confuse me beyond comprehension, i'm not sure what they mean when they say stuff and even when I decipher the words I have no clue as to what they really want or are saying. The more I try to understand the less I do. I'm a very straight forward person so everyone knows where they stand with me, If I'm cool with you I'll let you know and if i'm not cool with you, I'll let you know that too. The most important part is that I'll mean whatever I say. Not so with women, they say one thing and expect me to know what the hidden meaning is, its like slamming my head into a wall, it gets me nowhere to try and understand what they are trying to say. I get my sisters, probably because they think more like guys than girls because of living with me but I can't figure out any other women, I'm thinking that maybe i should just stop trying to figure them out and accept my fate of never understanding them and in the process make an ass of myself. If you have any clues or insight please let me know cause my ass is lost.

1 comment:

Hima said...

Hey, so its been a really long time since we talked...but i'm avoiding a 20 page paper and the rest of my life right now, so instead i'll respond to your post. As random as our conversations were....i always respected what you had to say and your honesty. Thats why its almost a bit shocking to see how much you're putting into trying to understand girls. Girls that expect you to read between the dotted lines belong w/ guys that lead them on and can't be upfront. you, on the other hand are not like that, you're far from it. My suggestion to you is, as a girl, there are 2 kinds of us women. One:the women that like the put up the chase and keep men on their toes, and two:the women that lay out on the table and believe in the "take me as i am" way. I am the second girl, and wear my heart on my sleeve...and i'd say about 95% of my friends are the first kind. The one thing about them that i see is they never give up the chase and their men are infactuated w/ them because the mystery is worth more than the honesty. So what is it that does it for you? No matter what, when theres a chase...its a game that's meant to be played. You can either play it or find another one that you like. And a word of advice, when you stop caring, they start to wonder why and lose a lot of the coyness, really quickly. Just remember to never compromise what you brought into the relationship first...those are things about you that someone is going to love...and for me, honesty is the only way. It kills me when people make me second guess myself, them, and the relationship. You shouldn't have to read between the lines if you dont want to. So not sure if it helped but good luck w/ it!